Lets talk about Devotion

I think it important that before we talk about who is doing something wrong, that we first establish whether or not someone is following the same paradigmn.  This is inspirted by KrasskovasI Screeches, and other Recons, who want us to do it more the way of the ancients.  So lets talk about this shall we?

I don't know about anyone elses paradigm but to me my Gods are family and close friends.  This has been forged in the fires of my life.  It has organically worked out to be that way.  Others may have different ways of relating.

What does that mean to me.  It means they are honest with me.  It means we have ups and downs.  It means I am not subservient nor do I abase myself.  It means I do, what I can do, of what I am asked. For many years, and I've written this before, I wasn't asked for devotions, but to learn butterfuly gardening, or do other tasks, the most imp is to be the Holy sticky note and pass on messages, that I can here, and to be a shoulder for others to lean on and cry on.  I still have a strong indication that duty is more imp, then how many candles I light and how much food I put on the altar.

I am not my ancestors.  I am not going to sacrifice a virgin, to stop the volcano from blowing up.  Our ancestors put a lot of devotion because they felt they had to APPEASE the Gods or else bad things would happen.  We aren't them.  So relationships and devotoins have changed and that is a good thing.

Our Gods don't have the temples that they once used to.  They definately dont' have the same priests. THis isn't Alexandria, where you hire engineers to concock wonders to lure more worshippers to the temple.

No our relationships and our blogging are more personal.  Our relationship are more intimate.  They aren't subject to what the High Priest or Priestess believe(despite what some self appointed would like to think) they are subject to what The Gods we worship and us believe and how we work it out.

If others are different, please lets talk, so that others can see the different paradigmns.  Lets discuss how it is with you, and what works.

Bittersweet memeories

So, I had a sad day yesterday.  Not as bad as some of the people I know, who were simmering soup pointlessly.  I know I shouldn't be amused about emo soup but I am, sorry hun.

Anyway...  I'm facing a divorce.  I was missing my best friend yesterday.  I was missing the person who understood me the most.  I was missing and grieving that loss.

The responsible thing, would probably be to google how others deal with it.  But honestly I don't want to do that.  I don't want to open up to others.  I just want to be petted by those I love.

This upcoming divorce has thrown me in many ways.  I have a hard time trusting myself, in picking others.  I feel the ache, where the hole in my heart is.  Sigh, he was my soul mate.

I'm getting over it, but there are parts of me, going what type of friggen dysfunction do I have that I pick the wrong people.  I thought he was the right one.  I thought I had broken my pattern.  How could I make such a mistake.(I don't take failure well).

Why am I writing about this.  So that others, if they choose to read about it, and they are going through stuff, will be helped?  It felt like something I should do, so I hope it helps somebody.

Why I am a Pagan

I keep getting asked this.  I figured it would make a decent blog post.  Maybe inspire others to share why they are what they are.

I am a Pagan/Witch/Mystic because of dreams.  Being a Pagan kept my fear of the dark at bay.  It gave me tools(shielding, lucid dreaming, allies, ability to astral fight, understanding that what I see is there and I'm not nuts etc) to fight the bad things that go bump in the night.  Praying to God or Jesus did not make the bad things go away, nor the fear.  I still huddled under my blanket at night feeling the fear.

The second reason I am a Pagan, is I agree with the philosophy.  I respect Christians and Christianity and Judaism.  However...  I have strong reservations with a few policies that it has.  It stance on sexuality does not mesh up with mine.  Despite some of the Christian churches taking a different view on women being Pastors, most of the churches stance on that does not mesh up with me.  Those are some hard and fast boundaries that I can't get past.  There are a couple of others as well, but those two are the big ones for me.

Religious dress

I really don't have any.  I do have jewelry that has special significance.  I do feel more oomphy when wearing the head scarf with the mirror things around my head.  I am being bothered to make a girdle with bells and jingly bits attached.

However none of these are needed, but just accessory items.  The only religious equipment I need is me. Hell I don't even need to be nakie(British Traditional Witchcraft would call this skyclad, but I think this has more to do with the founder liking to see nubile young thangs, than accessing your power.  50 years of Wicca).  I can do a ritual in jeans and a tshirt.  I'm not more oomphy in robes than I am in comfy jeans and a shirt.

I'm just as much a dreamy eyes poet as many other Pagans.  Hopefully I don't write horrible poetry that makes others cry.  I however have a firm, Iron willed inner pragmatist, who scoffs at special thingies in order to practice religion.  I blame my mother.  She was a firm believer that you could pray to God while on the toilet just as much as you can while in the church.  She is also very much right.

I think the religious regalia has less to do with the Gods and more to do with our need to wear special funny hats and other regalia.  It has to do with our inner dramatist.  Mine isn't very sophisticated though, mine is still wearing horned helmets with fur coming out of the metal brassiere while singing German opera:)

To summarize...  I really don't need anything but my mind in order to practice religion.  I can be in bed and connect with my Gods just as much as being outside, dressed up, with a bonfire and various geegaw and other shiny thingies.  (Oh lord Loki is getting ideas).  Jeans and Tshirt are just as viable as silk robes and silly hats.

Trust

People have said, that when you are at your worst, you should be on your knees praying the most.  That you should let go and let God(AA).  That you should trust in the will of the Gods.  That is when you should do devotions to the Gods.

That's all pretty phrasing, but really difficult to follow.  The fear, the palpable fear, is there.  You have adrenaline going.  You are worried.  You are stressed.  And that's just the emotional reaction when you have regular bad stress.  When the shit really hits the fan, and you are trying to keep it together it is really hard to trust.

When your life is going to crap, the last thing you want to hear, is trust.  What you need is a hug.  What you need are solutions.  What you need is a hand up.

When the bad shit in 2010 happened, I broke inside.  I grieved.  I trusted because I had nothing else to trust and yeah the kids and I are ok for now.  But there was deep simmering anger.  There still is to a degree. Because it is one thing to put me through hell, it's another for it to affect my kids, and I resent that.  I wanted better for my children.  I also wonder, when the shit is going to stop, when will life stop being a constant struggle.

Currently, offerings of food and drink will be fewer than they had been in the past.  Not because I don't love my Gods, but because money is going to be tighter.  Before offerings can be made, I have to make sure, my kids and I have enough to get through the month.  (and I forgot to get the fat for the crows, sigh, and the bird seed).

That episode in 2010, almost had me negating my relationship with the Gods.  It didn't help that Yahweh and Loki both forbade me in helping with spell work.  I was told unequivocally NO!  If I did, consequences would happen.  I had to sit and wait, and be helpless, and it killed me inside when the waiting was over.  To say I didn't agree with the outcome is an understatement.  To say I think it was to harsh is also another understatement.  On top of that, to not know what I was going to do, was also an understatement.
http://davensjournal.com/perceived-relationships-with-the-gods

Though to hear some of the BNP's talk, I should have been giving devotions.  My heart nor my soul were in that mind frame.  I was in survival mode.  The only thing that kept me going, was me needing to take care of the kids.

I didn't stop having a relationship with my Gods.  I did let them know I was angry, why I was angry.  That I was deeply hurt, and that my trust had been broken.  We are still repairing that.  We are still repairing me.  I have triggers and PTSD that, I am still figuring out and trying to fix.  I am more fragile and yet more strong than I was before.

I am only now finding out some of the reasons.  The other reasons, I don't know.  I do trust(grudgingly)It is hard, rightfully so.

Even if you have gone through hell, telling someone else, that when shit is hard, is when they need to do the devotions more, is bullshit.  If you can't lend an ear, then get out of the way.  If you can't hug, get out of the way.  If you can't or won't lend a hand up, then get the hell outta the way.