Thursday, December 26, 2013


People have said, that when you are at your worst, you should be on your knees praying the most.  That you should let go and let God(AA).  That you should trust in the will of the Gods.  That is when you should do devotions to the Gods.

That's all pretty phrasing, but really difficult to follow.  The fear, the palpable fear, is there.  You have adrenaline going.  You are worried.  You are stressed.  And that's just the emotional reaction when you have regular bad stress.  When the shit really hits the fan, and you are trying to keep it together it is really hard to trust.

When your life is going to crap, the last thing you want to hear, is trust.  What you need is a hug.  What you need are solutions.  What you need is a hand up.

When the bad shit in 2010 happened, I broke inside.  I grieved.  I trusted because I had nothing else to trust and yeah the kids and I are ok for now.  But there was deep simmering anger.  There still is to a degree. Because it is one thing to put me through hell, it's another for it to affect my kids, and I resent that.  I wanted better for my children.  I also wonder, when the shit is going to stop, when will life stop being a constant struggle.

Currently, offerings of food and drink will be fewer than they had been in the past.  Not because I don't love my Gods, but because money is going to be tighter.  Before offerings can be made, I have to make sure, my kids and I have enough to get through the month.  (and I forgot to get the fat for the crows, sigh, and the bird seed).

That episode in 2010, almost had me negating my relationship with the Gods.  It didn't help that Yahweh and Loki both forbade me in helping with spell work.  I was told unequivocally NO!  If I did, consequences would happen.  I had to sit and wait, and be helpless, and it killed me inside when the waiting was over.  To say I didn't agree with the outcome is an understatement.  To say I think it was to harsh is also another understatement.  On top of that, to not know what I was going to do, was also an understatement.

Though to hear some of the BNP's talk, I should have been giving devotions.  My heart nor my soul were in that mind frame.  I was in survival mode.  The only thing that kept me going, was me needing to take care of the kids.

I didn't stop having a relationship with my Gods.  I did let them know I was angry, why I was angry.  That I was deeply hurt, and that my trust had been broken.  We are still repairing that.  We are still repairing me.  I have triggers and PTSD that, I am still figuring out and trying to fix.  I am more fragile and yet more strong than I was before.

I am only now finding out some of the reasons.  The other reasons, I don't know.  I do trust(grudgingly)It is hard, rightfully so.

Even if you have gone through hell, telling someone else, that when shit is hard, is when they need to do the devotions more, is bullshit.  If you can't lend an ear, then get out of the way.  If you can't hug, get out of the way.  If you can't or won't lend a hand up, then get the hell outta the way.


  1. When you have kids relying on you, it is difficult to place trust in anything but yourself.

  2. True. However, if you have bad stuff happened to you, it is difficult to trust as well. Stuff to work through and all that, makes face.